Figuring things out

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WHY I AM SO CONFUSED?


Am I portraying something? Am I portraying my feelings? Or am I portraying myself in front of my friends?  


I don’t know what’s happening, but there’s something that doesn’t feel right. This feeling of confusion—it’s unsettling. I’ve never liked being confused. I’m the kind of person who sits with herself, reflects, and figures things out every single time I face uncertainty. I take my time, analyze my thoughts, and always find answers. But this time, it feels different. Is this not me? Or is it a part of me I’ve never explored before?  


In my 20 years of life, I’ve never left anything unanswered about myself. I don’t share my feelings easily with others because I’ve always believed that what I feel doesn’t matter much to anyone else. This habit of keeping my thoughts to myself taught me the art of being alone, of processing my emotions independently. I’ve grown used to fighting my battles within, without needing external validation or support.  


Now that I’m in college, this habit of solitude still feels comforting. I feel lucky to be someone who can enjoy her own company. But lately, I find myself asking—what am I doing? I know how to let go of things and people when needed, but what about the people around me? Am I doing the right thing with them? Why do I feel like I’m portraying that they matter a lot in my life when, deep down, I’m unsure if they really do?  


Today, I feel like I’m just with these friends because of college, and once it’s over, we might not stay connected. Yet, being with them makes me happy. Spending time with them feels right. They are such wonderful people that I sometimes feel guilty about questioning if they truly matter to me or if I’m portraying a bond that isn’t genuine. I wonder if I’ve started pleasing people for their sake, just to make them feel included and cared for. And if I keep doing this, it might make my life harder in the days to come.  


I know my friendships aren’t fake, but I’m not sure if they hold the same importance for me as I seem to hold for them. If they don’t, does that make me wrong? And why do I feel like I’m portraying something I don’t fully understand? I enjoy spending time with them, yet these questions haunt me.  


WHY I AM SO CONFUSED?

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